The Life and Times of the Other Majors Kid
by Cececat
Summary: The Denton Affair - and much more - from the point-of-view of Brad's teenaged brother. Who, I should probably note, might not even be Brad's brother. Things get even more messy when he falls in love with a certain groupie... [I know the summary is bad and I'm sorry. The story itself is interesting.] (Please Read and Review!)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Show._**

* * *

 **A/N: I'm back! Hopefully I'll manage to be back for good.**

 **It's been so long since I've really written much. In the meantime I've (almost?) joined the local shadowcast, written tons of one-act plays, joined a screenwriters group, started going out with someone, toured a local castle, begun pre-production for a fan series that probably won't be made, and more. I've missed fanfiction so badly. Let's hope it missed me, too...**

* * *

My name is Lee Majors and I've always been a bit of a nerd. When I was 18 - a senior at Denton High School - my deep understanding of stuff from outer space finally came in useful. It's a pretty long story... and it starts with a wedding. My older brother Brad's best friend Ralph's wedding.

We left mom's house at about 3 in the afternoon that fine November Saturday. The weather was oddly warm, considering the time of year, but nobody minded. On the way over to the church we picked up Brad's girlfriend Janet. She has eyes like a fish and a voice like a harpy when she's mad... and I sure didn't like being in an enclosed space with her. Car rides are hell. As soon as she got into our she started up.

"Brad! We're gonna be late, aren't we? What took you so long?"

"It took a bit longer than we expected to get dressed, that's all," Brad replied calmly.

He's the calm one. She's miss hysterical. I guess opposites do attract.

"We?" Janet asked, clearly not noticing me.

Brad laughed. "Lee is going with us."

"Oh," she replied.

I would've said something wittier since I actually read. She just looks at those stupid gardening magazines. It's funny, she never actually gardens.  
The car ride was pretty quiet, I guess, once Janet stopped talking. But the memory of her voice was so recent that she may as well have been complaining about her dress or whatever woman talk about. Half the stuff they say never makes any sense. And why do they wear makeup? It doesn't usually suit them. The girls at Denton High aren't that cute anyway, though. They're all just identical dwarf-Barbies. I would just say they're 'identical Barbies', but they're more naturally proportioned and would look like dwarfs if scaled down to Barbie-size and compared to an actual Barbie doll.

Anyway, we eventually got to the church. Contrary to Janet's fears, Brad got us to the church on time. He's a saint for putting up with her, rather than dumping her on the roadside. That's what I would've done.

Once we got inside the church Janet and I sat down while Brad went looking for Ralph. Being the best man and all he's supposed to hang around the groom... presumably. The details of all that didn't matter to me. No, I happened to be too busy looking at the cute brunette who seemed to work at the church. There was something different about her, something I hadn't seen at Denton High. Maybe she's foreign, I thought to myself. She was dressed in a dark pilgrim-like dress, with her hair pulled back and her fair face empty of any cosmetics. Overall there was a gothic feel to her. It gave me the impression that she was either English or Hungarian.

The cute brunette was so distracting that I hardly noticed Ralph and his fiancé Betty get married. Looking back I'm quite sure they did.  
Eventually we all went outside and posed for a picture. Stupid, I know. I decided to conform for once and actually smile. That was easy because I actually like Ralph. He's a nice guy. It's a shame I was too young to get smashed at the previous night's bachelor party. Do people do that in real life? I still don't know.  
After the picture everyone sort of mingled outside the church. As quickly as possible I walked over to where Ralph stood, grinning like a very likable idiot.

"Congratulations, Ralph," I said.

Before he could respond Brad walked up behind me.  
"I guess we really did it, Ralph. You and Betty really did hit it off in Dr. Scott's refresher course."  
"Honestly, Brad, she's half the reason I showed up!"  
The three of us laughed. I always liked feeling like one of Brad's friends. Indeed I am younger than most of them. It's just that guys my age are so busy being cool or trying to impress stupid girls. Why would I want to know what to know what Susie Tomalin did with half the football team? The girls in the comics Brad lends me are superior!

Why do I keep getting so off topic?

After a bit of joking between Brad and Ralph, which I mostly missed, Betty apparently decided to throw her bouquet.

"This is it!" she shouted gleefully.

All the woman scrambled around and...

"Janet caught it!" I cried.

Did that mean Janet would be Brad's wife - and, therefore, my sister-in-law? That wasn't something I wanted. Did Brad even want it? If Brad - the most tolerant guy any of us knew - didn't marry her, would she become an old maid? Or a hooker?! Very few people would be able to live in the same house as that fish-y face and that annoying voice... or so I thought.

"Dude, are you going to propose now?" I asked my brother.

"It's gonna be Janet that marries next," Brad said, chuckling. "Who says I'll be the groom?"

"Don't say that, old sport," Ralph replied, somehow not amused.

At that point Ralph's father drove a car around the front of the church. It was a light grey-blue, with something mildly rude written in shaving cream or perhaps highly thick paint. At that point I made a mental note to rent a red Ferrari for my wedding - whenever it may be.

I was so busy thinking about Ferraris that I didn't really notice the blue-grey car leave, and most of the crowd go with it. What I definitely noticed was Brad Majors, my elder brother, getting down on one knee and proposing to Janet freakin' Weiss. It's cool having a bachelor brother who knows all the coolest comic shops, who watched _Star Trek_ reruns with you... once such a guy is married he no longer does cool stuff. He focuses on his wife and perhaps the screaming babies she produces.

"Shit," I muttered to myself, unable to think of something clever to say.

As we drove home I couldn't think of anything but the fact that Brad was marrying Janet. I even - temporarily - forgot the mysterious brunette at the church...

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. Man, it feels good to be typing that again...**

* * *

 **A/N: Here's chapter 2! This is sort of a remake of "Sci-Fi Fan's Adventure". I was reading through my original notes and realized that my original idea would've made chapters 4-27 totally different. This story is based on that. To make things more different, of course, I changed the main character to a guy. He's a bit more like my brother than Fay ever could/would be.**

 **And if you're wondering about names... 'Fay' is related to my first name while 'Lee' is a variant of my middle name.**

* * *

Once we'd left the wedding we went to a stupid reception party (which included a buffet of too-cold roast beef, scalding hot mashed potatoes, and other culinary horrors). Everyone danced the Madison and later did the twist. Many adults had too many drinks - though my brother stayed totally sober. While rolling my eyes at the stupidity of the masses I sat in the corner, reading _2001: A Space Odyssey_. All of that's pretty ordinary... the only 'weird' thing that happened was the fact that Janet hid her ring from everyone. Only after we left did I find out why.

"Why isn't Janet showing off the ring to everyone bored enough to care?" I whispered to Brad as we all got into the car.

"We've decided to keep the engagement a secret until after we've told Dr. Scott," he replied.

After we began driving I realized we weren't driving home. No, we seemed to be leaving town! Right away I realized what was happening.

"You're going to tell him _now_?"

Janet sighed. "I want to tell everyone as soon as possible, so we must go to tell Dr. Scott as soon as possible. And - before you ask - he never answers his phone after 9PM or so."

"So we're going to disturb a poor old Nazi scientist just so you can tell the whole freakin' world that you're engaged a few hours sooner? Everyone is always telling me to be good to my elders

"Dr. Scott is not a Nazi, Lee," Brad told me, giving me a Look that meant 'shut up, kid'.

I did as I was... told? 'Looked'? What's the right term?

Whatever.

So, on we drove. Soon enough the storm clouds in the distance weren't in the distance anymore and the car was pounded with large, wet droplets of rain. The sound of it distracted me from my reading and put me in an even nastier mood. To avoid having to listen to Janet's voice - and to avoid upsetting my brother, who I _actually_ respect - I kept my mouth shut and didn't complain. This got boring, so I mentally began to plot what I would do when the Martians invade. Little did I know that I'd be meeting aliens that very evening. Aliens which were certainly not from Mars... or any other planet of our Solar System...

We drove for what seemed like ages before Brad figured out we were going the wrong way. He'd even begun playing his beloved 'Nixon Cassette' out of boredom at that point. I'm not sure how this didn't tip him off. Usually driving to tea at Dr. _von_ Scott's didn't take that long. Though he clearly had lost his way, probably due to the weather. We stopped in front of bright, flashing 'this road is blocked' sign.

"What's wrong?" Janet asked.

"We took the wrong fork, some ways back," Brad replied.

"Or the wrong spoon," I muttered cleverly.

Ignoring me, Janet kept asking questions. "What do we do? I mean, we can't wait here all night."

"I think I saw a castle some ways back - didn't you?" Brad said thoughtfully.

"A castle? In Ohio?" I exclaimed.

Again, I was ignored. It's pretty terrible, being the age I am. Technically I'm an adult, though I am still rather young and I have no money. So... I'm an adult who, insultingly, gets treated like a kid whilst also being called an adult. The only adult things I can do are vote and pay taxes and buy Playboy magazines without anyone saying I'm a depraved pervert. Though I really do only read those things for the articles and short stories. There's been Arthur C. Clarke stories published there! It's much more interesting than another 'playmate of the month'. Once Brad joked that I'm secretly an alien who's not interested in 'normal' earthling girls because of it.

 _Anyway_... we were stuck. Our only hope was the castle. Good for us.

"You really think the castle will have a phone?" Janet asked, raising an eyebrow at Brad.

"Everyone as phones these days," he told her firmly. "Even castles."

"If you say so," she muttered.

"Now, you two should wait here in the car while I go to the castle," Brad told us.

"Hey! I'm your brother, you can't abandon family!" I protested.

"And I'm your fiancée, who you shouldn't leave," Janet pointed out.

Brad sighed wearily. "Come on, then... both of you."

So we followed Brad through the cold, miserable rain. I wonder how Scottish people stand it. Being all wet is awful! At least Janet was there to (accidentally) amuse me by running 'round with a newspaper on her head. It dripped ink in her hair, yet she apparently didn't care. Brad _did_ care that I was laughing at his fish-faced future wife. Again, I got a Look from him. Ever since our father died - when I was 12 or so - Brad has acted as my main male authority figure. At least he spends most of out time together being the fun older brother. Only at stressful times such as this one did he act all dad-ish and serious.

When we got to the door he was the one to knock, so seriously and so bravely. He's actually pretty good at being a leader for others. The person who opened the door was a bit freaky, and might've frightened even most guys, but Brad wasn't phased by him. He just smiled the cheerful way he does at the grocery store clerks.

"Hello..." drawled the stranger - a half-bald man with straw-like blonde hair sort of stuck to the back of his head. He was pale, almost sickly, and dressed in a suit that probably belonged to a corpse not long ago. There was also a sort of spaced-out quality to the guy. _Maybe he's a junkie or something._

"Hi!" Brad said brightly. "My name is Brad Majors. This here is my fiancee Janet Weiss and my younger brother . Our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we could use?"

"You're wet," he muttered ominously.

"It's raining," Janet replied nervously.

"Yes..." the stranger whispered.

"Yes," Brad agreed, still cheerfully diplomatic.

Suddenly there was a great crash of thunder and an ever greater slash of lightning lit the gloomy sky. All four of us jumped.

"I think you better... come inside," the creepy guy said, in an oddly urgent monotone.

"You're too kind," Janet said shakily, clearly terrified.

* * *

 **A/N: Yes, I'm changing the dialogue a bit. That's out of peculiar boredom... mostly.**

 **And I must say writing from a guy's perspective is weird. Most of the teenage boys I know care only about comic books, girls, and video games. That's how I'm writing Lee - minus the video games, since I don't know much about 'em.**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

* * *

 **A/N: I tried to listen to Johnny Rotten 'singing' his _God Save the Queen_ whilst typing, hoping it would put me in a 'sarcastic guy' state of mind. The depressing message of that song ("no fut'ah... no fut'ah fur yuuuu", quoth _The Sex Pistols_ ) made it hard to think... so I began watching RHPS and turned off the punk music. **

**Random, I know. But what else have I got to say? It's the third chapter I've written this afternoon, by the way. That also means it's probably not as good. I'm just trying to finish up all the stuff directly taken from the movie.**

* * *

Once we entered the castle I began to worry about the life expectancy of Brad and I (though not Janet, for some reason). There was this weird live-sized doll draped over the staircase. It had crazy red hair that stuck out rather wildly. I smiled, briefly. When I was younger my hair was a similar red color. The mean kids at school would say I was a bastard 'kind Mrs. Majors' had adopted. Many years later this became even funnier when Princess Diana's son Harry was accused of being a bastard for having oddly red hair.

"This way..." the man with the weird blonde hair muttered. "Follow me..."

We walked through the foyer we'd ended up in. As we did so I began to hear music. Apparently Janet did too.

"Are you having a party?" she asked.

"It's one of the Master's affairs," the strange stranger explained cryptically.

"Lucky him!" Janet said, somewhat hysterically.

Then - to my horror - the alleged doll came to life. Apparently the... thing was actually a woman wearing wild makeup and a maid's uniform. She was petite, attractive, and acrobatic enough to slide down the bannister shouting: "He's lucky! You're lucky! I'm LUCKY!"

The she laughed like a lunatic and threw her feather duster at the creepy blonde dude. And things just got even weirder after that. They broke out into a song-and-dance sequence. Not something from West Side Story, mind you - something much more insane. The most perplexing thing (at the time) was that it seemed strangely familiar.

" _It's astounding... time is fleeting... madness takes it's toll_ ," sang the blonde, beckoning us closer, " _...but listen closely.._."

"Not for very much longer!" cried the maid.

" _I've got to keep control..._ "

"Lose control," I replied, chuckling.

He probably didn't even hear me, having gone into a full out rock scream too soon. "I remember doing' the time warp! Drinking those moments when! The blackness would hit me!"

Together, creepy dude and sexy maid shouted together: "And the void would be caaaaallllliiing!"

As they did that, they sort of chased Brad and Janet and I into a ballroom full of oddly dressed people. It was all so insane, so choreographed... we all were in shock. Brad seemed sort of amused, I guess, once the crowd began to sing and dance.

" _Let's do the Time Warp' again! Let's do the 'Time Warp' again_!"

For some reason it reminded me of one of those stupid '50s dance-craze songs they play at school dances. Yet this 'Time Warp' managed to be pretty cool. Maybe because it seemed so familiar, maybe because the people doing it were cool looking, or maybe for no reason at all. I really enjoyed it - that's what mattered. The maid and Mr. Creepy even had a solo together! That mesmerized me.

"It's so dreamy... oh fantasy free me... so you can't see me. No, not at _all_ ," she purred. "In another dimension, with vouyeristic intention... well secluded... I see all."

I sure wanted to see all. Okay, maybe teenaged boys are depraved perverts. Though anyone who saw that woman probably wanted to undress her.

" _With a bit of a mind flip..."_ the blonde man said to her _._

 _"You're into the... mmmh... time slip. And nothing will ever be the same. You're spaced out on sensation.._."

 _"Like you're under sedation_!"

That line made Janet faint, to my amusement.

" _Let's do the Time Warp' again! Let's do the 'Time Warp' again_!"

I kinda felt like I was at a PG-rated version of one of those parties the Ancient Greek Cult of Dionysus would have. This all felt so risqué, despite being pretty innocent when one thought about it. All words and no skimpy clothes. _That's it, isn't it?_ I thought.

After a random tap-dance solo from a very weird - yet incredibly familiar - girl, and a bit more Time Warping, the guests all collapsed and the music ended.

"Brad! Say something!" Janet squeaked.

"Say!" Brad said, a bit manically. "Any of you guys know how to Madison?"

There were little laughs here and there at that. Even Janet rolled her eyes at him. Though she went back to being nervous seconds later.

"Brad, honey... can't we go?" she muttered.

"Not until we find a phone!"

"Ask that butler guy, please. He probably knows where the phone is... just hurry up."

By then most of guests were standing up and organizing themselves until two lines. I just stood there watching them, sort of weirded out, while Brad and Janet backed up towards the door. Rolling her eyes the red-headed maid pulled me into the line.

"Stand up straight, or he'll be angry," she whispered darkly.

Before I could ask who she meant by 'he' I heard Janet scream. It took me a few seconds to figure out why and I suddenly understood her behavior, for once. There was a man wearing a Dracula-like cape and the most terrifying makeup. He looked a bit like a clown, though much more evil than most clowns.

As I stood there dazed he sauntered by in platform heels. Then he threw of the cape. Now he was dressed only in the least manly clothes I'd seen in my entire life, though he still seemed almost as manly as my role model Brad Majors. This odd man wore women's lingerie... which wasn't sewn for women, so it probably didn't count as women's... yet. It gives me a headache, just thinking about it! His mere presence also seemed to upset both the maid and creepy blonde dude. I couldn't help but wonder why until I was distracted by the conversation Brad and the guy in semi-drag were having.

"Can't we use your phone?" my brother was asking. "We'll leave you alone after that."

"How do you know I want to be left alone? Being the social butterfly I am I quite adore having guests... even of the unexpected variety, my darlings," the made-up man replied in one of those posh Brit accents.

"Do you not have a phone?"

"I do... but I won't let you use it until you give me something."

Brad furrowed his brow. "Money?"

"No. An audience. I'm going to put on a little show this evening and I want you to be my audience," the man whispered, grinning maniacally.

"Fine," Brad replied.

"Brad... must we?" Janet whispered, eyes wide and dramatic.

"We must," my brother replied.

It was at that point that I realized I'd been left out of this. And, for once, being 'left out' was actually a good thing. What a weird day I'd been having!

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Thank you for the reviews, Guest. Let's hope I get some more - and from a variety of people!**

* * *

Once the man in men's lingerie had left, everyone just sort of scattered. Apparently they'd lined up so nicely just for him. That means he's probably their leader. Such a theory really did work. One had to be powerful among one's people to dress in such a way and not get laughed at or molested.

Eventually the only people left in the room were Brad, Janet, the maid, the butler, the tap-dancer, and me. Nobody really seemed to notice me. Even Brad had apparently forgotten. Though he was in a rather distracting position at that point. After removing the coats of my brother and future sister-in-law the two servants (as I decided they must be) began removing the clothing beneath.

"Brad!" Janet hissed.

"It's alright, Janet," he replied instinctively.

That didn't help. "They're stealing our clothes! Oh, what sort of place is this?"

"A very eccentric household. Don't worry, dear, we'll be fine. What's the harm in having our outer clothes stolen? Look, we'll go along with it all for now and pull out the aces when the time is right."

"This is no time for card tricks," Janet mumbled, but at least she stopped trying to escape the clutches of the creepy butler.

Brad didn't reply. No, at that point he'd turned towards the butler and was doing that diplomat's smile of his.

"Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee Janet Weiss!" he explained.

I'm not sure which was weirder - the fact that he was just repeating himself almost obnoxiously or the fact that I'd been left out of the introduction. Cleary, these mysterious hosts had wiped me out of Brad and Janet's memory. After years of reading and watching tacky sci-fi I knew how such things worked... well, I thought I knew. I was distracted from this amusing train of thought when the glitter-covered tap dancer began to speak in the most outrageously squeal-y voice. If mice had voices one might speak in such a manner.

"You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's lab-or-a-tory. Some people would give their right _arm_ for the privilege!"

Brad raised an eyebrow. "People like _you_ , maybe."

"HA! I've seen it," was her peculiar reply.

Without another word the dazed Brad and Janet were led to the elevator - the one that had brought the man in lingerie to the party's room, I think - by the butler and the dancer. The maid briefly stayed behind. She walked straight towards me with fascinating determination.

"I didn't think I'd be seeing you ever again," she whispered in a slightly Hungarian accent.

"What?"

"I'll explain later. Wait here for now and... read. Just don't get into trouble. It won't be too long before I return."

She spoke in a hurried, frazzled way and wandered off before I could reply. I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on. Secretly I hoped we were about to be abducted by aliens or something equally fantastic. Who were these people, I wondered? Space men? Time travelers? Fairies, on holiday from Ireland? Commie spies? Something was so awesome yet different about all of it.

For about twenty minutes I paced around the ballroom taking it all in. After a few minutes of trying to understand who my hosts were I moved on to inspecting the room itself. Many of the furnishings were draped with Christmas lights. Everything was so... random! Not only was there a pin-ball machine and a number of potted palm trees (one draped with a taxidermy lemur), there was a replica of the Mona Lisa and a taxidermy vulture.

"It's a astounding," I muttered, as I examined the floppy feathered bird that had somehow ended up in this strange house.

Who actually keeps a taxidermy vulture in their house? Who puts garden gnomes in their ballroom? What kind of madhouse had I stumbled upon? Apparently something called the "Annual Transylvanian Convention" was currently going on, I eventually noticed. It's a shame it wasn't the sort of convention Bill Shatner might show up at.

Finally, after about 20 minutes, the maid returned. With her was the butler. He looked even gloomier than before. Something was clearly wrong, judging by the way they both looked at me.

"Lee Majors?" the maid questioned.

"Did Brad tell you my name?" I asked.

"No, we figured it out," the butler replied darkly. He then paused, took a deep breath, and began to speak again in the oddly monotone voice of his: "My name is Riff Raff Vitus and this woman is my sister Magenta Vitus. Eighteen years ago she had a baby and we quickly sent him far away to be raised by strangers. Though we never totally abandoned the child. We kept tabs on him and everything."

Magenta nodded. "If it weren't for financial troubles and my age at the time - not to mention the awkwardness of siblings having a son - we would've raised you ourselves."

"Though the Majors family did care for you well, which is what matters," Riff Raff said.

"You guys are kidding," I told them. "This is some sort of sick joke."

Riff scowled. "It's not, Lee."

I never had fit in with most people. Yet Brad and I were so close. How could we not be brothers? And - if my parents were weird siblings - how? Speaking of my alleged birth parents, is it worse to be the son of two siblings who're in a relationship or a teenaged girl who's not in a relationship? Most adopted kids seem to be bastards born by teenagers, though that's only the ones born before the 1960s (I was born in '56). If I'd found out that I wasn't actually the son of Mr. and Mrs. Majors I would've assumed by parents to be an evil biker and a young girl in need of a better 'education'. At least this was sort of better, yet even weirder... and somehow not hard to believe.

"Can you prove it?" I asked.

Riff Raff nodded slowly. "We'll got to _my_ lab.

* * *

 **A/N: Apparently the 'canon' surname for Magenta and Riff is 'Vitus'. That means 'life', which I find sort of strange. I guess they are the only people who survive this movie and get a happy ending.**

 **Also, we have no proof that Transylvanian don't age slower than Earth-people do. They're like Vulcans. Even though Magenta and Riff are in their 30s they still seem like kids on their own world. I guess 30s might be like mid-20s to Transylvanians...?**

* * *

 **Please Review... friends, Transylvanians, shadowcasts!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show.._ **

**A/N: Here's chapter 5! Hopefully people are enjoying this - I sure enjoy writing it.**

* * *

Riff Raff's lab was oddly impressive. Weirdly, a lot of it seemed a bit showy. Though there were a lot there also happened to be a Jacob's Ladder flickering on a table in the corner. Some may call that a cheap prop, but it added to the overall mood of the place. Not to mention it actually provided light. The only other lights were a few bare lightbulbs hung from the ceiling.

"This is... awesome. I've never seen anything like this place," I said with an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm.

"Mad science isn't what it used to be," Riff Raff said, smirking creepily. "The Master had me paint _his_ lab pink and move out all the cluttered tables. It's hardly got any any furnishings now, save for a few statues and his tank."

"It vas _terrible_ ," Magenta added.

"Who's 'the Master'?" I asked, though I had a feeling I already knew.

Magenta scowled. "He is zat monstrous beast of a so-called man who prances about in not enough clothing and takes advantage of lesser beings every chance he gets. There's a reason we despise working for him - in fact, there are many reasons. He is-"

Her brother interrupted her. "Now, now, my dear."

After that nobody spoke, at least for a few minutes. Riff began tinkering with a machine of some sort. It was of a dark metal and looked a bit like a small oven. Soon it came to life, bright and fiery as if lit with coals from within. Then came the voice - a deep, ominous yet friendly sound.

"Hello, Mr. Vitus. What can I do for you today?"

"Analyze some DNA," Riff Raff replied.

"Do you have a sample?" the fiery machine asked.

"Magenta? If you will?" Riff said, giving his sister a look I didn't understand.

She smiled sweetly at me. "This won't hurt one bit, sweetie."

Before I could ask what she meant a large scrap of my left ring finger had been removed. It really fucking hurt. And it bled messily. I was suddenly very glad I'd changed out of the white button down I'd worn to the wedding. The dark 'Star Trek' t-shirt I wore at that point would surely be easier to wash.

So, Riff fed part of my finger to the machine - placing it in a small tray that reminded me a bit of where you put floppy discs. Meanwhile Magenta cleaned and bandaged up the wound. At least she seemed to know what she was doing.

 _This is the weirdest day ever,_ thought I.

"So, Robby, is that sample good enough?" Riff Raff asked.

I sure hoped so. Getting another bit of flesh removed wouldn't be so fun. Luckily, I didn't have to.

"The sample is perfect!" the machine (Robby?) exclaimed. "Nice and big, with both blood and flesh and all that jazz!"

"Does it match any DNA samples on record?" Riff Raff asked, almost eagerly.

"Yours, sir - and your sister's. He is definitely a member of the Vitus family," the apparently animate oven-thing explained.

"Am I their son?" I asked, sort of getting impatient.

"The DNA matches."

Riff Raff narrowed his eyes. "So you don't know if I'm his Father?"

Magenta laughed lightly. "Who else would be his father? He's part of the family, just listen to Robby."

"Believe me, sir! Remember... I am not allowed to harm my flesh masters, I must obey your rules, and I must keep myself from harm. Since I am a friend to the Vitus family I wouldn't lie to them unless there was a very good reason. Saying he's not a relative would be a harmful lie, a slander."

To me it seemed like he was hiding something, but my newfound parents seemed to trust the guy (machine?). After a moment of slightly anxious silence I realized something.

"What do I call you two? Mom and Dad?" I asked, very awkwardly. "My, um, adoptive mom is still around so maybe I should call you something else. Dad's dead, though."

Riff Raff gave me a serious look. "You can call me Dad - it seems like it won't result in confusion. Nobody ever has before, though there's a good reason for that."

"Call me Mater. That's a more ancient Earthling word for 'Mother'," Magenta said sweetly.

"Can I just call you Mom? I'll start referring to my other mother as Mrs. Majors," I replied. Latin is a bit snobbish for me.

"Fine," Mom said, laughing.

She's very cheerful, which at that point was starting to bother me. Always beware the nicest ones... that's what they say. The interesting thing is that I wasn't sure if, in this case, I was the person the 'nice one' would get. She seemed pretty genuine towards me but there was still something off. _I guess that's because I'm her son_.

I'm not sure why I believed it so easily. Maybe it's 'cause I've always wanted to be an alien, always wondered 'is there life on Mars?', always thought I didn't belong. The only person who really understood me was Brad and, sometimes, his friends. Now I was starting to realize there was a reason for all this... all the pieces seemed to fit perfectly into place-

There was suddenly a strange beeping sound - apparently originating in a device Dad had in his jacket pocket - and I lost my train of thought.

"We've got to go look after the creature now," Dad announced.

"Creature?" I asked.

"The project our Master wanted to show Brad and Janet," Mom explained. "We're supposed to babysit him, in a way, for part of the night."

"Should I help?" I asked.

"As your mother, I advise you go to bed now. There's a guest room on the way to the creature's room. You can sleep there for the night."

"Mom!"

"Listen to your mother, young man," Dad said sternly.

The two of them were clearly enjoying their new roles, I realized, as they led me down a hall and to the guest room I'd apparently be sleeping in...

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

* * *

 **A/N: Here's the 6th chapter. I'm so very proud of myself, you know, for writing this many chapters within about 23 hours... though I'm not sure if that's actually a lot. It's a lot by _my_ standards, which are rather low. **

**At least writing Magenta and Riff Raff as the parents of an 18-year-old is really fun! Do tell me if it's out-of-character.**

 **And we're getting to the Columbia/Lee romance mentioned in the plot summary. I've been hinting at it since chapter one...**

* * *

This alleged guest room was a small space with little besides an oil lamp, an alleged mattress, a collection of highly flammable blankets, and ugly floral wallpaper. It looked like it belonged to an evil granny - perhaps where she'd lock her poor young grandchildren until they become incestuous lovers or whatever. _Maybe that's what happened to my parents!_

"Goodnight, honey!" Mom said, as Dad rolled his eyes.

Then she sort of just shoved me into the place smiling all prettily. Dad actually laughed at that in he own weird way. Those two are very unusual. It's less awkward for a father to be weird than a mother, I thought, because mothers usually spend more time around the kids.

I guess she'll need a bit of practice being motherly, just as he would. All these years of not baking cookies or helping with math homework probably meant they needed to take 'parenting teenagers' classes or something. Do those exist? Even if they did, my birth parents aren't the type of type of people to attend such classes.

Anyway... after they'd (apparently) locked my door I tried lying down on the mattress. It was this awful straw middle-ages monstrosity. There really was something 'science fiction'-esqe about this place. Here I was, imprisoned by my birth parents in a little room after they'd be called to look after a monster. If I weren't so tired I would've tried to escape and go looking for the monster. At that point I thought he was some sort of Boris Karloff type - ha! If only I'd known...

Once I did manage to sleep I didn't even sleep well. I had a nightmare.

 _It began with me sitting in an empty room. The place was cold, unfurnished, and almost cell/l-like. There seemed to be no doors or windows or obvious light sources. It was a trap._

 _Then I remember a riddle I'd once heard: "imagine you're in a room with no windows, no doors, and no other clear ways out. How do you leave?"_

 _The answer is "stop imagining."_

 _I began to picture myself as standing on the bridge of the starship Enterprise.. and it worked. Of course, the place was totally empty. Everything was silent and even more cold-feeling than the cell I'd been in before. Then I heard soft crying. I left the bridge through the sliding doors - which should've been elevators. I followed the sound down a plain white hall with a marble-tiled floor. I passed many doors to many places. Eventually I found the source of the crying._

 _It was a room without a label. I guess that's why it stood out so well. Without thought of what lay inside I entered. The place was empty save for a chair and the girl who sat in it. She had long brown hair - like the girl at the church - and wore a grey tunic of some sort. After a moment I realized it was the girl I'd previous met. Now she was tearful instead of emotionless._

 _"What's wrong?" I asked._

 _"Help me," she said._

 _"Help you what? Leave?"_

 _"Help me," she repeated._

Before I could get any more answers I woke up. There stood that cute tap dancer I'd met earlier in the night. Oddly, she wasn't wearing all her crazy clown makeup. She was actually quite beautiful without it, though less interesting. That's when I realized something.

"You were at the church," I mumbled groggily.

"Yeah," she replied, smiling a bit. "You were there too - staring at me."

"Sorry about that," I said awkwardly.

"Oh, it's fine - I'm used to it!"

We sat - well, lay in my case - there for a moment. Then something occurred to me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I heard you talking in your sleep and assumed you were having some sort of nightmare. You woke up before I could wake you up, though."

"What was I saying?" I asked, though I already knew.

"You wanted to know what was wrong with something," she said with a shrug. "It doesn't matter much."

Again, the both of us were silent. Then she stood up and walked towards the door.

"I'll let you sleep again," she told me. "Goodnight!"

And then she just... left. At least I'd learned that the door wasn't locked.

Moments later I fell asleep again, but didn't dream anything memorable. It was a deeper more dreamless sleep. Presumably I was just too tired for much else at that point. At least I was distracted from the oddly homesick feeling that I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Brad never felt like that - I was sure of it at the time.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry it's so short. Not much happens in this 'part' of the story so the chapter is short.**

 **PLEASE Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_  
**

 **A/N: here's chapter 7. The only person reading this, as far as I know, is a real-life friend of mine. Why don't some others review, at least to say why you don't like it...?**

* * *

Too soon I was again woken up by the strange tap dancer, Columbia. This second time she had to shake me a bit and whisper 'wake up' in my ear. At least that probably meant I'd slept more deeply.

"Why am I getting up again?" I grumbled, slowly sitting up.

"Because we've all been called to dinner. Don't ask questions, kiddo," she replied.

"What time is it?"

She sighed. "6AM."

"And we're eating dinner."

"I said it's best not to ask questions!"

We were both silent after that. Columbia stood up and, slowly, I got out of the awful bed. Everything felt sore because of how thin the mattress was. I didn't complain because I wanted Columbia to like me. Complaining at a girl probably isn't a way to get her interested in you... probably. Though I hated to admit it I still hadn't much experience with girls yet.

Without a word we left the awful little room. Down the dim hallway we went, and soon enough we found ourselves outside a set of double doors - adorned with fancy stained glass windows - that led to a dining room. When we entered I saw that Brad, Janet, the Master, a shirtless muscle-man, and that ex-Nazi science teacher. I was too stunned to ask what was going on. How did he get here? Who was the shirtless guy? Why does everyone wear digital watches?

"Hello, dahlings," the Master said, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Hey, Frankie," Columbia said cheerfully.

She sat down in the only empty chair. I just hovered beside her. Nobody seemed to really notice me. In fact, I began to suspect I'd been turned invisible by my parents. Perhaps only they - and presumably Columbia - could see me. How extraordinary...

After a few minutes of awkward silence Mom and Dad entered. They both dragged along a cart, which had a covered metal tray on top. To my horror Mom wore some very stylish underwear... and not much else. I was beginning to feel a bit like Oedipus. At least I had nothing against my Dad so I wasn't likely to kill him or anything. And it's not like I had a serious crush on Mom. She's just way too hot for a Mom - I'm sure most people find her very sexy. Also, I was _certainly_ much more interested in Columbia!

I was distracted from these unsettling thoughts when the tray was placed on the table and the lid lifted by my mother. Apparently they'd be eating plain meat for dinner. There was a sort of roast on the plate, probably pork. The Master began cutting the meat with a small saw... I think. I'd never seen anything like it. I'd also never seen anything like Dad attempting to pour wine into all the glasses, though mostly managing to soak the tablecloth.

Throughout all of this everyone was silent and solemn.

The silence was broken when the Master raised his wine glass and said: "A Toast, to absent friends!"

"To absent friends!" Dr. Scott repeated. Everyone else just raised

"And... to Rocky!"

Apparently that was the name of the muscleman... and apparently it was his birthday. Everyone did a bit of singing. After that they began to eat their very plain, very weird dinner. It didn't even look very good.

Soon enough Dr. Scott smiled awkwardly and spoke. "Ve came here to discuss Eddie."

"Eddie!" Columbia squeaked.

The Master chuckled. "That's a rather tender subject... another slice anyone?"

"Oh shit," I muttered.

The meat wasn't pork... it was Eddie, whoever that was. Columbia realized it at that point too and proceeded to freak out. She lept out of her chair as calmly as possible and quickly left the room. Then we heard the hysterical sobs, the screaming. The strangest part was that nobody else seemed even mildly distressed by the whole thing. Mom and Dad were almost laughing, while Brad and Janet were had a sort of 'oh, that was mildly interesting' air to them. I was quite disturbed.

"Zat is my nephew?" Dr. Scott said, gesturing to the roast. "I don't mind. He vas alvays ze troublemaker, ze bad kid in ze family. His muzer Elsie vas nearly as bad."

"Yes, well, he crashed my party earlier and made all the guests forget the real star of the show," the Master replied smiling.

By then things were getting to crazy. So I slipped out of the room as quickly as possible. This wasn't too hard because apparently only Mom, Dad, and Columbia could see me. The latter wasn't even in the room at that point, of course.

So I slipped into the hallway. It was even darker feeling because I was alone. Alone in a creepy castle trying to find a girl somewhere in the God-knows-how-many rooms the place had. At least I wasn't trapped in that bedroom. But had I even been trapped there? Was it only in my mind that the door had been locked? Did I just stop imagining I was trapped in the room, as I did in that dream and the riddle it was partially based on? Columbia had gotten through, but she seemed to have magic powers. By then I'd come to the conclusion that she'd turned me invisible to keep me safe.

Yes, I sort of gave up on trying to find her and decided to, instead, sit here in the hall. I leaned against the wall and wondered if this was a crazy dream or if I'd been given LSD at the wedding reception. Does LSD cause stuff like this to happen? It was all so vivid... so real... so weird.

Again I fell asleep. Man, I was tired that night. The fact that I was mostly invisible meant only three people would know to wake me up... and they were all busy, luckily...

* * *

 **Please Review!**

* * *

 **A/N: I might as well respond to Chapter 6's Guest review.  
**

 **That's not a reference to Caligula. I don't see how it could be. I'm just saying that a person couldn't dress like that without attracting negative attention UNLESS they were well liked/respected among a large enough group of people.**

 **Yes, the machine is named after Robby the Robot from _Forbidden Planet_. I almost named him Eddie after the computer from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ , but I felt that might confuse people. **

**Chapter 6 does have a reference to _Flowers in the Attic._ I've only heard of that book - which doesn't seem like something worth reading - when researching the psychology relating to incest. It was for a Riff/Magenta backstory that never went anywhere (which is why I referenced it in one of my RHPS stories). Apparently _Flowers_ is about some siblings getting locked in an attic by their evil granny and two falling in love. You can't love/sleep with someone who was raised as a sibling. That book was said to be an example of someone getting things very wrong. **

**No, that's not a reference to _Yellow Submarine._ Nothing in the dream sequence is an intentional shout-out to anything.**

 **Lee is named after me, in a way - not whoever you're talking about. Also I wanted to show how connected he is to Brad - how close friends/brothers they are - by making the names add up to one name. When you said 'Brad' and 'Lee' too quickly it becomes 'Bradley'. That's the surname of a friend I don't really talk to anymore.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: This is mostly just scenes from the movie as seen by Lee. He's a very strange character, isn't he? I hope he's likable enough.**

* * *

For the third time that night (morning?) Columbia woke me up. This time she jabbed me with her bare foot. Hey, at least it wasn't her shoe! Though it still hurt enough that I really didn't want her to do it again. So I groggily got to my feet and looked at her expectantly.

"Why'd you get me up?" I asked.

"Important stuff is happening and I didn't want you to miss it," she explained.

Or maybe that didn't count as explaining. She hadn't said anything truly useful. What counted as important to her? Why shouldn't I miss it? Due to her lack of readable expression I wasn't so sure whether or not the 'important stuff' was good or bad. Winning a medal can be just as important as having your leg sawed off.

Smiling silently, Columbia grabbed my hand and began leading me down the hallway.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the main lab. I've got a speech to make, some people to rescue..." she replied cryptically.

I was beginning to wonder what her job was. Well, besides resident tap dancer. Was she some sort of fortune teller? All I really knew was that she was adorable and I might've started falling in love.

Eventually we got to a hallway which had, for some reason, a hole in the wall. It was a very large hole that seemed pretty new. Bits of insulation and plaster dust littered the floor around it.

"You can wait just inside. If you're quiet only two will see you," she [not]explained.

"What's going on?" I asked.

She sighed wearily. "Frankie has turned some guests into statues and I've plan to tell him what I really think of him. I'm getting fed up with how terrible he can be. It's a shame his good days - rare as they seem to be - are so good!"

Still, I was confused. " _What_?"

"I'll explain later, kiddo. We'd better hurry now..."

We both walked through the hole, which briefly required ducking. I'm betting it wasn't meant to be a door...

The room we'd entered was a large pink _place_. We'd ended up on a balcony of some kind, which was above a mostly-empty area. The muscleman also stood on the balcony, staring off into space like a fool with no brains. In the middle of it stood three statues... which looked just like Brad, Janet, and Dr. Scott... minus their clothes (mercifully, Dr. Scott still had his blanket and chair). They'd been turned to stone - I'm serious! At that point it was very early in the morning, I was astoundingly tired, and the past eight hours had been the strangest of my life. I was ready to believe anything.

After I noticed the door I realized that Mom and Dad were standing against one wall. Part of that wall happened to be covered with a sort of red-painted metal. It wasn't metal plating, actually... no, it seemed to be more like a control panel of some sort.

"Enter Columbia, from stage left," Columbia muttered with great determination.

She stomped down towards the statues and delivered a short speech to the bemused drag queen before her: "My God! I can't stand any more of this. First, you spurn me for Eddie - and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! You chew people up and then spit them out again. You're like a sponge... you take-take-take a drain others of their love and emotion! Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose

Looking rather amused, the Master looked at her and smiled that creepy smile of his. She just glared at him. Then Mom flipped a switch on the red control panel. It turned Columbia to stone. Again, she flipped a switch... this time Rocky turned to stone. I was quite glad that they hadn't noticed me for I didn't want the same fate.

The odd thing was that - despite people getting turned to stone and such - I felt very calm. Usually I'm pretty detached anyway. I don't feel masculine enough feeling hurt or sad or weak or under the power of something else… aren't they the same? Brad is always in charge of everything and he was the 'perfect guy' in my mind.

The 'something' made me really feel like the people who'd been turned to stone would be okay, like they weren't even uncomfortable.

You know when someone hugs you and you feel safe all of a sudden? Like things are going to be okay? I haven't let anyone do that save for Mrs. Majors when I was young. But I know that feeling - I remember. Someone was looking out for me and reminding me that everyone was going to be okay soon enough.

It was so weird.

Feeling dazed and almost drugged, I still managed overheard a conversation between my parents and their master. It was something about children turning on somebody and going to Transylvania. Not the children going to Transylvania… mom was. I think. The only thing I was really sure of was how safe the stone people and I were.

I think I understood the protagonist… a Duke, maybe… of that Hunter S. Thompson whatever that I'd read in a magazine couple of years back. This was what drugs felt like.

Eventually the Master left the pink room. As soon as it was just Mom, Dad, and I they finally seemed to notice me.

"What have you been smoking, dear son?" Mom asked, smiling kindly.

"Nothin'," I mumbled. "Though I see why ya think I have."

"Will you help us carry the statues downstairs to the theater?" she asked.

"If you tell me why everyone is ignorin' me," I replied.

Talking to them was making me somewhat more coherent. I was thinking about the nice people in front of me rather than the happy pretty statue people.

"It's the groupie - Columbia. She has a habit of playing with people's minds," Dad said darkly.

"She doesn't mean to, dear," Mom pointed out. "It just happens… surely you remember why."

"Why?" I asked.

"We'll explain after the floorshow, when we have more time. For now it's time to work," Dad told me.

And so I helped them carry various relatives, friends, and a science teacher from the lab to the backstage. I was very careful with all of them… especially Columbia.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: I'm not used to writing from a male perspective. So... I'm not sure if this makes sense. Though Lee is trying to be a 'proper strong guy' the way I try to be a 'proper feminine girl' to fit in. And I guess Lee's struggle to find a stable parental figure he can look up to is nearly gender-neutral. That's going to be a major theme here... I'm pretty sure. "What is family?"**

* * *

After setting nearly all the statues on a random stage that somehow inhabited a large room in the basement, I went into the wings and settled into what claimed to be a 'Director's Chair'.

By then Mom had gone to do something - I wasn't sure what. Dad still stood nearby, glaring at me.

"What are you doing?" he asked, clearly annoyed.

"Sitting down to watch whatever insane things happen. Something exciting must be going on… you've turned them all into statues and placed them on a stage."

"We're not finished setting up, lazy boy."

"What do we need to do?" I asked, annoyed.

"Put clothes on the statues," he said. "Before you ask, this lunacy wasn't my idea. Sometimes I think I'm the sanest person around…"

Suddenly I had the strange feeling that he expected something from me. Did he want me to be an ally in this apparent madness? I suppose mother.

The late Mr. Majors had died too early to make a serious impact on me. We'd never done Cub Scouts or anything. It was always Brad - my role model - that got involved. I suppose Mr. Majors knew I wasn't his son… though Brad didn't. How lucky he'd thought we were actual brothers. He'd been the closest thing to a father I'd ever known.

"Are you going to help?" Dad asked, bringing me back to the present.

"Sure," I replied.

He walked over to another part of the backstage area, which I couldn't see, and then returned with a large cardboard box. Rather ferociously he tore the top off… revealing a collection of fancy corsets and other lingerie. They all were made of smooth black fabric and glittery silver sequins.

Slowly, I picked one up. Beneath it I found red garters, stockings, blank underwear, and what later turned out to be very different two fingerless gloves.

"This should fit Janet," I said, a bit nervously.

"Yeah. Can you dress her?" Dad asked.

I nodded in silence.

Then, carrying the awfully trampy clothes, I walked over to where the statues had been lined up. Grimacing I draped the corset around her shoulders and laced it up. That actually wasn't too hard - the hard part was trying not to look into her stone-ified fishy eyes. For once I felt bad for that woman.

At least I was giving her clothes to wear. Though the clothes weren't the most sophisticated they were clothes all the same. It was awkward seeing Janet undressed even if she were in statue form.

Once I'd finished dressing the statue I realized that Dad was dressing Brad in the same clothes. He'd only just started - first he'd apparently dressed Rocky.

"What are you doing?" I cried.

Dad scowled. "It wasn't my idea - I'm just following orders. He'll have the chance to put on something better later."

I'm not really sure what was so distressing about seeing Brad dressed like that. Maybe it's because such skimpy clothes are demeaning on a guy who doesn't want to wear 'em. And I'm pretty sure Brad wouldn't dress like that on purpose. He's like a younger edition of the Standard '50s Father. Now he was decked out

While I stood there having a minor mental meltdown Dad calmly dressed Columbia. Or maybe he wasn't calm - his face remained blank yet he seemed to be rushing. I almost worried that the clothes would soon fall off!

"Go on, son. You'd better go help your mother with, ah, what she's doing. Right through those doors at the back of the theater," Dad told me, once he was finished dressing the statues.

"Shouldn't I be helping you?"

"You haven't been, so you might as well go help her."

He had a point. So I decided to do as he'd said and go help Mom with her current project - whatever it was...

* * *

Through the theater doors there was a sort of foyer. On each of the four walls a door could be found - the double door behind me and three smaller doors. Each had a sign. One led to the Gardens, one to the Armory, and the third to Servants Quarters. Assuming that Mom could be found there I opened the door to the Servants Quarters.

That turned out to be a dark hallway, lit only by a flickering candle in the distance. I could hear Mom's voice from not too far away. She was somewhere in the servants quarters singing about the shore - the moon? - of Transylvania.

Before actually entering the place I paused. What if I decided to go through another door? What if I went to the armory for a weapon, so I could duel Dad over this odd abuse of statue-Brad? What if I forgot everything that had happened and escaped via the gardens? What if…?

There were many choices. The garden might have dangerous guard dogs running around. Not to mention the armory could be alarmed or booby trapped - the owner of this place was a bit of a nutter.

Though in the end I decided to risk it.

* * *

 **A/N: there's my attempt at a cliffhanger. What do you think Lee will do?**

 **Please Review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks so much for favoriting, following, AND reviewing, colbalt-blue. I'm glad you're enjoying it and I'm glad it's "accurate"!  
**

 **By the way, I gave at least one of the characters psychic powers. That's meant to be a surprise. The 'drugged feeling' Lee gets was caused by that character, like his semi-invisibility. It sort of gets mentioned in this chapter - he realizes he knew things that nobody told him like Columbia's name.**

* * *

 _Though in the end I decided to risk it._

I followed the sound of Mom's voice. What else could I do? Deep down I'm not the kind of person who just runs out on people. Leaving would mean abandoning Brad and Janet. At that point I was still hoping I could apologize for dressing her up. So the garden was out. And the armory? Knowing me I'd impale my own hand or shoot a bullet through my foot. One injury (the messed-up ring finger) was enough for at least the next week.

It didn't take me long to find her. The hallways turned out to be much lighter than it seemed from the outside. The door to the room Mom sat in was open, so I just went inside. That place looked a bit like a small kitchen, with wooden cabinets everywhere and a rusty old gas stove in the corner. Mom sat on a rickety chair at a round table. She seemed to be typing something into a small device. Two other similar devices sat nearby, along with a closed metal box.

"Hello, sweetie," she said to me, without looking up.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Communicators, for when we get home. They're like phones that you can move around," she explained. "I'm going to give you one of our backup ones."

So we'd be going home? Did that mean another planet? For reasons unknown - perhaps supernaturally - I'd known them to be aliens all along. I'd also known Columbia's name

Eventually I noticed something. "They're like communicators from Star Trek - aren't they?"

Mom sighed. "A bit. You know, I'm really not fond of most science fiction. Earthlings often think people from other planets are bug-eyed monsters or prudes with pointy ears."

"Maybe you should write some of your own sci-fi and portray it all correctly," I suggested.

"And return to Earth to publish it? Not bloody likely! I've spent months plotting with my brother to leave. Earth is not a place I'd want to see again. It's been terrible."

"Sorry," I said awkwardly, after a moment.

"Why are you here, anyway? Is something wrong?" Now she was back to the polite, restrained, English manner that seemed to be her usual state.

"I didn't want to dress Brad in those stupid clothes so he sent me to help you."

"Well, I'm not in need of help. That's good for you because it means you can relax for-" she paused. "Why don't you go to the garden and round up the dogs? We need them inside."

I'd never much liked dogs, really. They were so noisy and slobbery! Though I was determined to be a good son for my newly-discovered parents so I did as told. I left the room Mom was in, walked down the not-very-dark hallway, and quickly went through the door to the garden.

The place I found myself in was a lot brighter than I expected. I guess, because it was about 6AM I didn't think there would be ant light outside. It hadn't occurred to me that there would be lights attached to the mini-porch I then found myself on. Though the lights only really illuminated the little wooden platform I stood on. There seemed to be a patio or path of stone in front of the porch and large bushes all around. I thought I saw

"Hey, dogs!" I shouted.

That did nothing, of course.

Then I tries whistling. Still nothing happened.

Annoyed, I sat down on the edge of the porch. I happened to still be very tired and hoped that resting slightly would help me think of what to do next. Of course, I didn't even need to rest for a while. My hand quickly bumped into a small metal box that had been placed in the corner of the porch. Out of curious I picked it up and began to inspect it. The thing was painted a faded red color, possibly to make it easier to spot, and wasn't too heavy. Like a Christmas gift of blocks it made a sort of light 'clanging' sound when I shook it. The lid held on by a little clasp that I easily opened.

The box contained a small device of some kind. It was a simple square of black plastic with a button on it. _Maybe it's some kind of futuristic dog whistle,_ I thought. That actually seemed quite likely. So... I pressed the button.

Within seconds a group of nine large, frightening dogs appeared out of the darkness. They all slobbered and grinned horribly and clearly wanted to be petted.

"Come inside now, kids," I told them.

They did so without too much question. When all ten of us got inside we ran right into my parents. By then both were wearing what could only be described as "space-stripper clothes". It was the kind of thing one would want to bleach out of their brain.

"Hey," I said. "What's going on now?"

"Never you mind, dear," Mom replied.

"The boy will figure things out soon enough," Dad told her.

"Of course he will. For now he should hide in the back of the theater and watch the show - that way he won't get bored."

"Can I leave the dogs here?" I asked.

Mom nodded. Then, she opened the door to that theater and sort of pushed me in. It almost bothered me that both she and Dad stayed in that other room. Being in the weird theater-room, especially with those statues staring at me, was indeed awkward. At least the statues were happy...

I settled down in one of those old red-upholstered theater chairs and waited for whatever weird thing was to happen next.

* * *

 **Please Review!  
**


End file.
